“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
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I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Just how popey was the pope today?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.