me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
You Might Also Like
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
it must be school picture day
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal