Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
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Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
All set.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer