I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
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It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I’ve been learning to cook.