I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
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All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid