I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
how much for the angry fruit?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese