I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
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I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?