I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.