[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
real
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports