Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
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Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
You’ll be OK
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.