ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
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Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)