I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
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They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Lube but for my dry humor.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
opening twitter today
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.