Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
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Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]