Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I’m going to need a moment here.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”