The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
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Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]