“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
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Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.