My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
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Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.