[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
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After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
We need more people like this.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.