Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
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Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?