the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
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Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!