Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
…żyje?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”