Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock