Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The news in a nutshell.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.