Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
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BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.