[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
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If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.