I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Sniffing the broccoli
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy