when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
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sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.