Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
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Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?