Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
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[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs