I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in