Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Me, flirting😏
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Salad is the decaf of food.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
another case of gang violins
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Mad Max Arctic Road
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.