*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
You Might Also Like
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk