My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
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Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”