*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
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Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?