An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
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me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad