*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION