My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
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Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
become ungovernable
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane