When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My birth announcement for our third baby