Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
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It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”