Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
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MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.