People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.