“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
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petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.