“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
You Might Also Like
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.