it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
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My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine