Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.