If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
You Might Also Like
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
best first i’ve ever seen