An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
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Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.