I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
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So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Am I having a stroke?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
*has no idea what a book even is*