I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
You Might Also Like
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
the battle rages on
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Education is vital
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?