Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
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Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Spell check is for lasers.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese